After moving, I chose an apartment facing west. Outside the window there is a wide stretch of green and a lake. I have been very happy watching the afternoon light.
I viewed the apartment in April, so I had no idea how irritated I would become in summer without air conditioning. It has recently reached 38°C. Even at night, the heat outside presses in. Worse still, the apartment is cooler than the hallway, so every time I open the door, a gust of hot air hits my face.
I keep thinking about how comfortable the elevator is. Then I step out and return to the apartment... so why is there no air conditioning in the hallway? Did I think capital could solve everything?
Anyway, back to the point. Today I want to write down a dream. Continuing from the heat I just mentioned, I woke up hot this morning. Before I woke up, I was dreaming.
Two people appeared in the dream. One was a senior colleague from when I worked in education. I last saw her during Lunar New Year. She was still how I remembered her: always keeping up with younger people, more sensitive than most people her age to changes in the world. The other was a friend I met in 2018, someone I liked very much. Let us call them A. The last time I saw A was probably some day in 2019. I do not really remember. We had not met or been in touch for many years.
What happened in the dream?
My senior colleague asked me, roughly, what could be done with some books.
I said there were usually two options: sell them or donate them. Then I added, "I would rather donate them."
Then A asked where accepted book donations.
I did not hesitate at all. The first place that came out of my mouth was No. 8 Dongnan Village.
In the dream, I said that its host used to be based in Beijing, then later left for Yunnan to build this place with friends. There was also something like a community library there that accepted donated books.
Besides a community library, there was another option: some bookstores also accepted donated books.
The first bookstore I thought of appeared clearly in my mind. I could see the inside, but I could not remember where it was, so I started guessing.
"Was it in Wuhan?" I turned to look at A. "If I remember right, it was somewhere northwest of Time Bookstore..."
"No, it was not Wuhan. Was it Changsha?"
"Maybe not Changsha either... I can see it so clearly, but I cannot remember where it was."
Just before I woke up, I remembered.
It was not Wuhan or Changsha. It was still in Yunnan: Book Theory Library in Dali. Okay, it was also more like a community library, but dream-me had put it in the category of bookstore.
Then I woke up and could not return to the dream.
I began wondering why this dream had appeared so suddenly.
I wanted to understand why these people and scenes were in my dream, and to find a connection, so I asked AI to help me think about it.
The analysis startled me.
- A few days ago, I told AI about something. There had been flooding in my hometown, and some of my books were affected. I felt awful. Even though I was away, my first worry was not for the people at home. I felt resentment instead: if they knew water might get into the house, why had they not dealt with my books earlier?
That resentment made me uncomfortable, so I asked AI about it: why was I more focused on my books than on people?
- The books damaged by water were the books I took away when I left education. After deciding to resign, I thought seriously about what to do with so many books.
Later, I contacted the people at No. 8 Dongnan Village and said I would donate them. But when it was time to mail them, I regretted it. I had saved money to buy those books. My collector instinct took over. I felt ashamed, but I told the friend there that I could not bear to part with them, and chose to keep them.
Looking at it this way, does the logic of the dream start to connect?
- My senior colleague was someone I worked with in education. "What to do with books" was a real problem I had faced, and No. 8 Dongnan Village was a possible home for them then.
- Later the books were soaked. It was not what I wanted, but it was connected to the choice I made. Books were also part of how I met A.
- Time Bookstore was somewhere I liked when I was a student. But when I went back after graduating, it had already disappeared. I even asked nearby vendors what had happened to it.
- As for Book Theory Library, which I could not remember until I woke up, I do not know why it appeared. But I did spend a happy time there with friends and their students.
- Yunnan: I do not know what role it plays in my heart. But it was part of my first attempts to explore the world after leaving campus. Wuhan was where I lived for four years. I visited Changsha once and was stopped when I wanted to enter a university library, but the security guard gave me a reasonable explanation. I remember that kindness.
I wondered whether this dream would have happened if the books had not been soaked. But when I was in the dream, I did not think about my own books at all.
When I think about that group of books, I have not read most of them. But I chose every one carefully and believed each had value. Some were books I had picked for my students.
At the time, I thought some books should be known by more people, and some should be read by students. But I knew I could not control what others liked to read. I could not force a book into someone's hands and say, 'Hey, this is really good. You should read it.'
The only thing I could do was put them where possible readers might see them: on the shelves in my classroom or office. Students passed by, and maybe one day a cover or title would catch their attention, and they would borrow one.
In fact, it did make a difference. Some students became regular readers of those books. I remember one student telling me she borrowed Dear Angela Vira because her younger cousin had recommended it. I was shocked that she even had a younger cousin who would recommend it. That was how I learned the book had moved through people without me knowing.
That was when I understood something: I believed some books had value, so I created conditions for possible readers to meet them and form a relationship with them. At the same time, it gave me a deeper connection with my students. That was an unexpected gift.
But in most settings, I am used to being a collector. I let information - and books carry information - stay with me, or flow to me, instead of flowing through me. I have never been very steady in my own taste or judgment. Endless self-doubt makes me keep information close, rather than passing it on.
Those questions feel too heavy to carry, so I give up. Fine, then it can stop with me.
There are too many good and bad standards in the world around us. They have entered me too. I want to break free, but I am still constrained by them. I keep questioning myself: what counts as intuition? When can I trust my reaction? What kind of taste or judgment is really mine?
A person's world can become like chaos. Really. It is not subtle at all.
I cannot ignore some things that crash into my mind, even though I know clearly that I am being demanding.
A recent example: I was eating luosifen and saw a decorative newspaper on the wall. It looked convincing. In that moment I wondered whether a newspaper like that had really existed, so I looked it up. I could not find evidence for it.
Then the question came: would someone who did not know the culture around Liuzhou luosifen believe this newspaper, even if it looked obviously fake? Could this kind of decoration mislead people? Would anyone take it as seriously as I do?
Anyway, not every kind of seriousness needs to be taken seriously. Being too serious can start to look like looking for trouble.
Whether it is an accidental dream or self-doubt strange enough to feel unhealthy, in some way they both help me remember who I used to be. That version of me will keep following my present and future.
Before we can fully organize our own lives, hope can become the only reason to keep living. It may also be the only thing we can take with us until the end.
So selling hope can be such a beautiful thing. After watching Kadia's Dream, I understood that phrase more fully.
