‘I feel that most boys' love works exist to fit the market or the audience. The criticism of “making BL ugly” shows it clearly enough. The way people are written can feel disturbingly similar to heterosexual stereotypes. Of course there are well-made works too, but they often do not get much attention, and there are too few of them.’
This is what I wanted to repost with a share about BL and queer people. But then I thought, ‘who am I?’ So I came to this private little place to complain instead.
People who know me may not know when I first came into contact with BL. Did it begin with old Chinese stories of men loving men? Or Japanese anime? It was so long ago that I cannot remember. Later there were films and television, then things related to gay people that I saw in real life.
At the time, I felt regret. Love you cannot have was really a little... alluring (? Maybe I am a weirdo...). And I wondered: how could people be living through this kind of difficulty — not being able to openly show love or their orientation?
Later I found that people like me had a collective name: fujoshi. For a time, I really called myself a hardcore fujoshi. When I saw gay people say that they disliked fujoshi, I hid. Everything I came across went behind the scenes.
Sometimes I think: what did we do wrong? We did not do anything excessive. We only came across these works that were already made to please people like us. So what exactly is wrong here?
Everyone has different tastes. Some people like crime stories, some science fiction, documentaries, romantic love... Yet people can be disliked for preferring a certain category of work, and I really do not know how to argue against that. It is like when I was looking for a hostel on Agoda or Booking and saw a review saying, ‘If you meet Chinese people, good luck.’ The same helplessness and confusion.
But if you ask why I like BL... I do not think I like BL itself. It is only that some preferences of mine happened to be held by some BL works, and I happened to see them. That is all. Things like painful longing and bitterness, melancholy, haziness and confusion, the kind of visibility and discussion that has social meaning, visual preferences too: clothing, photography, set building, the use of props, how people are written, how the actors look, whether they fit my eye... Of course, I have also seen bad works. Only by comparing can you know what you care about more. I believe a ‘bad work’ is not what its makers intended, but something must be missing for it to receive that name. No work is one hundred percent perfect. Which side of the scale you choose while judging it has to do with the person judging. I cannot speak for thousands and thousands of viewers. I can only speak for myself.
It is true that BL works beautify reality. It is also true that creators imagine worlds away from reality. But saying that ‘BL has little to do with reality’ is nonsense. As the old saying goes, creation comes from life. Once you borrow the body, how can you separate the relationship from it? And then again, are the film and television works that beautify heterosexual relationships really different from this argument about BL and reality?
Here I want to complain about one thing: the so-called ‘meat,’ meaning NC scenes. It seems that NC has always been a major point for attracting audiences. But with some dramas, I can only think... this is too much, isn't it? Fine, maybe they never planned to make a serious drama. It is just a traffic strategy. If you do not watch, someone else will. Ah, I just cannot get over it. With all these big creators with huge audiences, why not make one good piece of work? Well, you do not understand: who would go against money? Right?
It reminds me of a former film-and-TV worker in a podcast who said, firmly and without hesitation, ‘You make film and TV to make money, don't you?’ Is that so? I have not done anything earth-shaking myself. What right do I have to demand that others must do something that pushes society in a positive direction?
‘Business’ is the best way to change society. Only by standing firmly in commercial society can you have more room and power to guide the public. But how hard is it to stand firmly? If the groups, organizations, or people at the top are all living for themselves, then it depends on how those of us watching them interpret and follow. ‘Living for oneself’ can take many forms, and each form influences a large group of followers. Think of fans in the entertainment industry fighting and saying cruel things online while their own artists do nothing... If you cannot stand it, look less. The ‘normal state’ everyone talks about comes from this. No situation appears without a reason, and neither can an artist's example solve everything.
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I have mentioned more than once how troubled I am by ‘why should anyone have to come out?’ It is directly connected to what I said above about why people go through such difficulties. In the education I received, no one told me homosexuality was abnormal. Even when I later came across anti-gay words and then saw a video of Geng Le's speech that my homeroom teacher played in class, I was... so shocked. I forget what the teacher said at the time. It was probably a natural scene with no extra explanation, just as usual: ‘a speech for the students.’ But whenever I remember it later, I think the teacher was quietly telling us that day: homosexuality and heterosexuality are no different. All the opposing words came from the writing, films, and television I encountered. Maybe, in my early understanding, gender did not play such an important role in love. Of course, no one seemed to teach me what kind of relationship combination was supposedly ‘normal.’
To echo what I said above about business changing society: when Geng Le started Blued, he probably had a similar intention. His HIV-prevention public-interest work over the years has also been genuinely good. More recently, the Phia app from Phoebe Gates and Sophia Kianni — fashion + environmental protection + sustainability — is also using business and technology to make sustainability real. Lenovo making computer packaging with bamboo materials too... These actions will likely follow the way points, lines, and planes grow: little by little, blooming and bearing fruit.
Later, coming out started to feel more reasonable to me because in the society we live in, telling people ‘what kind of person I am’ can draw people who are interested in me. We get to know each other and build our own bubbles. In other words, at the level of social reality that cannot change quickly, this kind of self-revelation is naturally good for people who want to know more people like themselves or want more people to know and recognize their identity. I no longer have a reason to keep struggling with it.
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One reason I went to Bangkok was the June 1 Pride parade. I was curious what it would be like in person. That day, I had planned to join a group started by the owner of a lesbian bar, but before the march began I ran away at the last minute. I hurried back to where I was staying to get my camera and decided to only be a spectator.
The group's theme color was purple, echoing ‘Born to be Me.’ ME could be anyone, including asexual people and people on the aromantic spectrum. I had already gone out in a dusky-purple sun-protection shirt. Along the way, I saw women in the group chat saying, ‘I saw a sister wearing purple’... I knew they were not talking about me, but somehow I still felt pressure. I did not like it. After going back and forth in my head, I went back and changed my shirt too. It really is most comfortable when I am not put inside any shell. I do not know whether my complicated feeling at that moment can reach even one ten-thousandth of what people who have truly suffered those difficulties have felt. Anyway, even when that kind of attention did not land on me, I still felt uncomfortable.
Speaking of bubbles, joining a group is probably not my first choice when I face difficulties or want to expand my social circle. In getting to know myself, I have gradually confirmed that I am someone who tries hard to avoid grouping inside one bubble. I am an omnivore. Leaving traces everywhere has become a habit. But staying in one place and digging deeply... I do not know whether, after I get past this discomfort, I might open another side of myself. Right now I do not plan to. Something would have to push me.
Life is only about thirty thousand days. No matter what, we turn to ashes and earth in the end. I cannot control how people in later generations see me, and I do not have the courage to leave something behind in this world. So let me spend the days ahead as I wish... If only I could.
P.S. The me at this moment comes from my past self and is moving toward my future self. The three are not completely the same. Please do not believe me, and do not take me too easily at my word — especially not what I write. Actions and traces are better tools for knowing.