Don’t let my title fool you. What I really want to talk about is how we express ourselves and how readers feel.
This note starts with a real story from a long time ago, about a close friend I had in middle school.
At some point, she stopped talking to me and stopped responding when I tried to interact with her. I had no idea why, and I was confused for a long time.
But I was stubborn too. Fine, you’re not going to talk to me, right? Then I won’t talk to you either!
Eventually, it got to the point where we would walk past each other in the hallway without even saying hello.
Later (maybe at the start of the next semester, I think), I couldn’t take it anymore. I wrote her a letter asking why she had stopped talking to me. She said that every time exam results came out, I would “complain” to her about how badly I had done. But the “bad” scores I was talking about were actually much, much higher than hers. She felt hurt, and felt that I hadn’t put myself in her position and considered how it felt to hear those words. It was a real wake-up call.
Years later, we had long since lost touch, but I still remember it. It tells me that the “self” I was back then hurt her deeply, and hurt me deeply too.
Even after all these years, I still haven’t learned to pay attention to the situation and the person I’m talking to. I still express myself with that unconscious, irritating “vibe”—paying more attention to what I want to say than to how other people might feel when they read it.
In the product world, this is called “ignoring the user experience.”
I have this feeling that the way I express myself (I don’t mean talking face-to-face, but expressing myself publicly online) makes people uncomfortable. Of course, I don’t think anyone has actually told me to my face yet 🤔 that my way of expressing myself makes them uncomfortable. But when I split off another version of myself to read what I’ve written, I can feel that tension.
So I either hide away and talk to myself, or let go and say whatever I feel like saying. Once it’s public, whoever sees it is up to chance. If someone responds, that’s naturally a good thing. Thanks to anyone who reaches out first.
I’ve always liked people who seem to radiate sincerity from the inside out—the kind of person you can watch from a distance and think, “Wow, they’re so sincere.” When my attention turns back to myself, I ask, “Why can’t I do that?”
Some people say they can admire someone in a completely pure way, but when I admire someone, I do it with envy.
What kind of feeling is that?
It’s like… watching a role model shine while driving myself to grow. The feeling is… painfully satisfying.
Later, I realized that maybe it’s not that I want to express myself “that way”; maybe the words I have for expressing myself are limited. I don’t know how else to say things more gently. It’s like I still haven’t understood what “firm but gentle” would look like in me—I haven’t learned it yet / I don’t have it yet.
So maybe the reason no one has given me feedback, as I mentioned above, is that my way of expressing myself doesn’t make people want to engage? Or, to put it more bluntly, maybe I haven’t left any room for other people to join the discussion?
This is the problem I’ve run into in the “interface design” of language—whether it’s my style of expression or how I organize my words, all of it is work I need to do on how I express myself, ahhh. (🆘!
Oh, I said before that when you make content, you should actively lower the barrier for readers. But when I write, I don’t always keep that in mind. Like the last ramble I wrote, which was full of jargon… honestly, when I went back and read it, even I felt tired.
So the way we express ourselves is also shaped by the environments we live in and have been immersed in. Using too much jargon is a bad habit. I need to change it.
I should try being a normal person!
P.S. Habits are so hard to change. But if you’ve read this far, believe me: I really am sincere. Seriously, I’m practically ready to burn these two words onto my forehead. You’ve probably heard the saying, “No con artist will say they’re a con artist.” But… sincere people do say they’re sincere! Like me! 🥺 (Don’t laugh. 3, 2, 1… okay, you can start laughing now…
P.P.S. Ah! I couldn’t resist adding one more little thing. I saw someone on X say, “Tech has the fewest assholes per capita.” I don’t know whether the data is real or where that claim came from, but I really feel… I love tech people so much! (literally!