About

I’m someone who always wants to see “what else is out there.”

It’s hard for me to treat the world in front of me as the whole world. Once I know there’s another way to live, I also want to know: are there other possibilities too? I guess this is what people call being restless, never satisfied. Going one step further, is it “not being willing to settle”? (This was one of the moments that pleasantly surprised me: an adjective that may look negative doesn’t seem so harsh from another angle.

I’m someone who’s a little shy, but curious about strangers.

I want to know what a stranger has been through and how they see the world, or, you could say, how they grew into the person we see. But if I actually had to walk over and start talking to them, I might first stand there for ages getting myself ready. Though really… I’m probably not the kind of person who’s bad at expressing myself or bad with people… right? Right?

I’m someone who really needs freedom, but freedom can also easily leave me not knowing which way to go.

I really resist having my life limited by other people. But when there are many paths in front of me, with no one guiding me and telling me which one is the so-called right answer, or when I can’t see the direction clearly at the time, I get lost too. (I just need a little more certainty, a little more, and it’ll be OK!

I’m someone who strongly trusts my own judgment, and can also suddenly doubt myself.

With a lot of things, I feel like I have a very strong intuition, and I’m willing to keep going even when other people don’t understand me. But sometimes, hearing one not-so-nice comment, failing at something I tried, or getting a result that falls short of what I expected is enough to make me put myself on trial again, many, many times. (“Loving me” and “criticizing me” are my two sides, and both are me.

I’m someone who asks quite a lot of myself.

I know what “good enough” means, but when it’s actually my turn to do certain work or make certain things, I still easily end up too serious, too responsible, too demanding about perfection — by the standards I set for myself, of course.

I’m someone who’s good at procrastinating, and often does.

Especially when my energy is running low, or when something is important but vague and has no clear deadline, I tend to push it aside first and do whatever else. Then at some point I can get into it quickly, dive right in, stay up from the small hours until it gets light, and the result usually turns out pretty decent. (It makes me think of running: I never have enough burst for sprints, so I like long-distance running more and I’m better at it. Looks like my burst moved somewhere else? 😆

I’m someone who gets carried away by things easily.

Whether it’s a new question, a new technology, or an idea for a new project that suddenly pops into my head, any of them can make me pour all my attention into it for days in a row, as if those few days were my whole world, even though they won’t bring me any return or feedback besides the pleasure they give my mind. (Afterward I’m worn out for two or three days… then I keep going, in pulses…

I’m someone whose interests grow (in number) much, much faster than time passes.

The things I want to learn and do, and the places I want to go, always add up to more, much more, than twenty-four hours a day could hold. So my life doesn’t seem short on possibilities. The problem is that I keep having to spend time and energy deciding where to put my time and energy first. Oh right, “fishing for three days, drying the nets for two” might describe me too… (But when I’m juggling many tasks at once, my head is very clear: where each thing stopped, where to pick it up next time… that kind of thing.

I’m someone who can’t help asking “why” about a lot of default rules.

Why does a relationship have to start like this? Why does work have to be organized this way? Why does a product make this decision for its users? I don’t think I just like to disagree. It’s just that from what I imagine or have experienced, if there’s a better option, why does it have to be done this way? (Taking things too seriously makes me look like I’m just nitpicking.

I’m someone who’s very independent, and because of that, not very good at asking for help.

With a lot of things, my default is to explore on my own, deal with it on my own, and try to find a way out on my own. By the time others notice that I actually need help too, I may have already been struggling there by myself for a long time.

I’m someone who overthinks easily.

A small thing that others might forget the moment they finish saying it, I can turn over and over in my head many times. It lets me see a lot of things other people don’t notice, but it also often wears me out for no reason, a lot, a whole lot.

I’m someone who’s actually pretty stubborn.

Once I seem to have figured something out, if others try to talk me out of it only with reasons like “everyone does it this way” or “it’s always been like this,” they usually can’t convince me. What I need is a reason… and also not a reason. So what is it? God knows.

I’m someone who wants to be seen, and is also afraid of really being seen by a lot of people.

I hope my work, ideas, and projects are understood, and that they actually make their way into other people’s lives. But when attention really gathers, I instinctively want to shrink back a little, behind the scenes. (Be like: quietly praying, don’t look at me, please look at what I put out front. Next second: who are you? Who would pay attention to you? What even is that thing? Why would it deserve anyone’s attention? The second after that: …

I’m someone whose emotions sometimes come faster than I thought they would.

Usually I like to handle things with the rational part of my brain, but some things that hit me go around the analysis first: a bridge, a sentence, something I lost and suddenly found again, or an ordinary person’s choice… any of these can suddenly bring me to tears.

I’m (also) someone whose emotions sometimes lag half a beat behind.

When some things happen, I’m used to handling them with the rational part of my brain first and then dealing with them, so I feel fine in the moment. But a while later I realize, after the fact: oh, I did have feelings back then; that thing did affect me. It’s the same with other people’s emotions. I can see very clearly that someone is in pain, but I don’t necessarily step into their feelings with them right away.

I’m someone who says I’m fine first, even when I’m clearly not.

I hide my emotions, and I cover up how much of a mess I am and the parts I can’t bear to show. Whenever someone asks, my first reaction often isn’t to be honest about how I’m doing. Instead, I block further questions with things like “I’m fine” or “all good.” Then late at night, when everything is quiet, I lie in bed with my eyes closed, facing the ceiling, and two lines of tears from the corners of my eyes soak the pillow.

I’m someone who can feel inferior and can also think very highly of myself.

I feel that a lot of me isn’t good enough, even not good at all. But at other moments, I really, really trust my own taste, judgment, and ideas, as if they were simply the better choice. Both exist at the same time, and they often show up at the same time. (If a contradiction keeps contradicting itself long enough, maybe it stops being a contradiction 🧐

I’m someone who is very sensitive to having a sense of control.

When I know how something (usually something that has to do with me) is unfolding and what choices I still have, I feel at ease. But as soon as the information isn’t clear or the process slips out of my control, I want to figure out what on earth is going on.

I’m someone who gets envious & jealous of other people.

When I see someone who already has the life, abilities, work, or opportunities I want, of course I feel a little sour inside (a mix of jealousy and envy). But a lot of the time, that “sourness” also becomes a clue that makes me realize: oh, this or that thing really matters to me.

I’m someone with many, many contradictions in me.

I’m independent, and I also want something to rely on; I’m rational, and also easily moved; I’m gentle, yet I can also be cold; I question a lot of rules, and yet I build systems for myself so I don’t lose control; I want stability, and I also can’t help looking at what else is out there… The me right now is probably just a shape that all these things pulling at each other have formed for the time being. (I wanted to live like water, but I’ve been pulled around so much that I no longer have a fixed shape, at least for now :)