I once mentioned a wonderful woman I found on Xiaohongshu. In one of her posts, she said that Code kunst is someone all asexual people would like. As someone who could not help liking Teacher Zhao's work the first time I heard it, and as someone still figuring out my own sexual orientation, that feeling of being hit by it… is hard to describe.
Yesterday I saw her newest post mention Alice Oseman's Loveless, and it reminded me of something from the summer of 2022. I met a very cool girl at an event. I have forgotten how we got onto Heartstopper. I had read the original work before it was adapted and loved it very much. She then mentioned the author's other work, including Loveless, though at the time I only knew Heartstopper. After the event, she would sometimes message me first. Maybe it was only my imagination, but I felt that very familiar feeling again: I want to have more conversations with you. Maybe my replies were too distant, or maybe it was the distance between us—we could not meet privately. We are no longer in touch. I still cannot understand this contradiction in myself: I need so little social connection, yet I can get endless energy from it and look forward to it so much.
In 2023, the term romantic orientation entered my world and made me look at myself again. Only this year have things started to become clearer. I had already read Maia Kobabe's Gender Queer: A Memoir, but at the time I only thought, oh, this feels familiar. Of course, the past months, or more than a year, have not been continuous; they have been on and off. The two films mentioned in this small note, Would You Be My Family Without Romance?, slowly built up my imagination of making a chosen family.
At the end of April, ToGetHer, made by the His Man team, finally came out. Ah, really, I never miss an episode from this production team. In the newest YouTube video from guest number four, “Why I Call Myself Pansexual Rather Than Lesbian”, Kim Jin-a moved almost every girl following the show.
Kim Jin-a gave me an answer I found convincing to my old question, “Why be so attached to coming out?” First, just as saying “I like men” is an expression, I am only expressing “I like women”. Second, I want to meet more people like me. Maybe someone who suits me will see these videos and appear in my life too. In other words: creating possibilities.
She is someone who knows so clearly what she wants. Even her thinking around “why I call myself pansexual rather than lesbian” made me think… ah, I want to be inside her head.
I have to admit that for some people, figuring out their sexual orientation is extremely difficult and takes huge courage. Kim Jin-a, you are really wonderful. Please keep showing off that shining, special, precious love.
Someone once defined me as a straight cis woman, and it made me uncomfortable. Maybe it was because I wondered why they needed to stick a label on me. Maybe it was because it assumed I would never have romantic feelings for someone who is not a biological man. I do not feel that my sexual orientation is fixed forever. So I really admire Kim Jin-a's journey of confirming herself—from heterosexual, to pansexual, to being 100% sure she is a lesbian. I cannot, and probably will not, be able to do that. I often think this.
Oh, people have a stereotype about asexual people, about sex. Asexuality does not mean someone has no libido at all in daily life or hates sex. The difference is whether another person needs to be involved, and things like frequency. Honestly, I quite like aromantic asexual people, but I really do not have people like that around me. Or perhaps they have not shown themselves yet?
Sexual orientation, like gender, can be fluid. I cannot define my future self. I can only say that this is who I am now.
P.S.
If anyone is interested, here is a related reading list 👇
1. Loveless, by Alice Oseman
2. Is Love the Answer?, by Uta Isaki
3. I Want to Be a Wall, by Honami Shirono
4. Gender Queer: A Memoir, by Maia Kobabe
5. Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, by Angela Chen