Guess All These Contradictions Have Shaped Me Into Who I Am Now

00:00 When I opened Xiaohongshu a few days ago,

00:03 I came across a post.

00:05 It said that Chen Kun's

00:09 Power to Go project was recruiting.

00:14 Volunteers, I think.

00:18 Anyway, people to join the walk.

00:20 You could go to the official signup page,

00:25 fill out the form,

00:27 and wait to hear what happened next.

00:32 I was a little excited,

00:35 so I immediately went

00:37 to the form,

00:39 opened it,

00:41 and started filling it out.

00:45 When I reached the last question,

00:48 I stopped.

00:50 The last question

00:56 asked the person filling out the form

01:03 to describe 20 different versions of "me."

01:10 I wasn't afraid of the question.

01:14 I started wondering:

01:16 what are those 20 versions of me like?

01:22 I thought about it myself,

01:24 and at the same time,

01:25 I asked my ChatGPT.

01:28 I had told it about many sides of me,

01:33 after all.

01:35 I wanted it to help me sum up

01:37 what those sides of me were like.

01:41 It gave me its version.

01:46 But to me,

01:47 its version of me seemed too perfect,

01:50 without a single flaw.

01:54 So I decided to rewrite it myself.

01:57 I added parts of myself

02:00 that might sound like a bit of a mess,

02:05 but were very real.

02:10 That got me to 20, more or less.

02:13 I had my 20 versions of "me"

02:17 for that last question ready.

02:19 But even today, I still haven't

02:21 submitted the form.

02:25 Because...

02:27 the dates are a little awkward.

02:30 It requires spending 15 days in the mountains.

02:36 Even with so many people applying,

02:41 I think they only select six.

02:47 I have almost no chance of being one.

02:52 But before submitting the form,

02:57 I still hesitated.

03:01 I don't know

03:03 what is stopping me from submitting it.

03:07 But at least the last question,

03:10 thinking about 20 versions of "me"

03:15 and what each one is like,

03:18 did make me

03:21 spend some time

03:24 summing up my impressions of myself.

03:29 Next,

03:31 I want to take a few of them

03:34 and put them in today's recording.

03:39 These 20 versions of "me"...

03:43 I actually ended up writing 21.

03:48 But I can't possibly talk about

03:51 all 21 in this recording.

03:57 So which ones

04:01 should I choose?

04:04 First,

04:08 the first one I want to choose is this:

04:12 I am someone who needs a lot of freedom,

04:17 but once I have enough freedom,

04:22 my sense of direction becomes unclear.

04:26 All my life,

04:27 I've strongly resisted other people

04:29 imagining my life for me,

04:33 or imagining my future.

04:36 When I had some opportunity

04:40 to choose my school

04:43 or which city to go to,

04:49 I basically made the decisions myself.

04:54 Even when my family said

04:58 they wanted me to stay close to them,

05:01 or made other demands to keep me there,

05:06 in the end, I still followed

05:08 my own ideas.

05:13 After that,

05:16 I gained even more freedom

05:19 as they came to understand

05:22 that in my life,

05:24 they couldn't interfere.

05:26 So I had more freedom

05:28 to decide where my life should go.

05:32 But for someone

05:36 living in a circle where information is scarce,

05:42 once she had that freedom,

05:45 she didn't have enough prior information to decide:

05:52 what kind of path should I

05:54 forge through all this freedom?

05:57 So she followed her curiosity,

06:02 and followed her interests,

06:05 walking on and on.

06:08 Then she saw so many roads ahead.

06:13 "Which way should I go?"

06:18 That's a big question.

06:21 But it is also one part of "me."

06:28 The second "me" I want to choose is this:

06:35 I trust my own judgment deeply,

06:40 but I can also suddenly doubt myself.

06:45 With many things,

06:46 I have very strong instincts.

06:50 Even when no one understands me,

06:53 I still dare to charge ahead.

06:56 Even when my closest friends

06:59 also think that a decision I've made

07:02 isn't okay,

07:04 I still choose to move forward.

07:12 But the other side of trusting my instincts so much

07:16 is that

07:19 in my life,

07:21 at work, or at any other time,

07:25 if someone criticizes me,

07:28 if I fail at something,

07:31 or if something I do

07:33 doesn't get the result I expected,

07:36 I start judging myself

07:40 and berating myself.

07:48 At those times,

07:51 it's as if I'm standing opposite myself.

07:57 I can say anything hurtful to her.

08:04 It's a little like

08:06 "loving me" and "criticizing me" being two sides of the same coin.

08:13 Both sides of a coin are still the coin.

08:17 So both "loving me" and "criticizing me" are me.

08:24 The third "me" I want to choose is this:

08:29 I am very good at procrastinating

08:34 and racing to meet deadlines.

08:38 No matter how important something is,

08:41 or how urgent,

08:42 before I start it,

08:48 I may delay as long as I can.

08:50 But strangely,

08:52 I always manage to finish it well

08:56 before the deadline.

08:59 Almost every time.

09:02 And the quality is usually pretty good.

09:12 I really don't understand this version of myself,

09:17 or what is going on with her.

09:20 It's as if every time I get a task,

09:24 even before I know what it involves,

09:27 my mind can predict,

09:31 this task seems pretty easy,

09:34 so I can put it off for a while.

09:38 Then, at about the right moment,

09:41 I start rushing through it.

09:43 Once the rush is over, I turn it in.

09:46 After I turn it in,

09:47 the result isn't too bad.

09:53 Then I feel like

09:55 I did pretty well racing that deadline.

10:01 Although I hate this version of myself,

10:04 I truly don't know

10:09 how to get rid of this flaw.

10:16 Another "me" I want to choose is this:

10:25 my interests grow

10:29 far, far, far faster than time passes.

10:34 The things I want to learn,

10:36 the things I want to do,

10:38 and the places I want to go

10:40 may be far more than 24 hours in a day

10:45 could ever hold.

10:49 I always feel that my life

10:53 has so many possibilities.

10:56 So many things seem interesting to me.

11:01 So many things seem fun.

11:06 But one thing that troubles me is that

11:09 my time is limited,

11:11 and so is my energy.

11:14 During any particular stretch of time,

11:18 which one should get my time and energy first?

11:25 What should I do first?

11:28 I spend extra time

11:32 and energy thinking about this.

11:37 But another strange thing is that

11:40 my mind stays very clear.

11:43 When I switch back and forth

11:45 between different tasks,

11:48 I know where I left off

11:51 on each one.

11:52 Even without taking notes,

11:56 I don't write reminders,

12:00 but I still know exactly where every task stands:

12:04 how far I've gotten on this one,

12:06 and how far I've gotten on that one.

12:09 When I switch between tasks,

12:12 I can always pick up where one left off.

12:17 I find that kind of amazing.

12:22 The next point I want to choose is this:

12:29 I'm not very good at peacefully staying

12:36 on a predetermined track.

12:39 At a certain point,

12:41 I start thinking about escaping.

12:46 I don't know if it is because

12:50 the environment I'm in feels meaningless,

12:55 makes me feel that I've lost my freedom,

12:58 makes me unhappy,

13:01 or something else.

13:03 But whenever things feel meaningless,

13:10 I feel unfree,

13:11 or I feel restricted,

13:13 I start looking for the next turn,

13:17 or another way out.

13:22 I try changing jobs or directions,

13:26 or starting new projects.

13:29 I want to move myself out of

13:35 that familiar, old system.

13:41 I mean,

13:45 in whatever room I'm staying in,

13:51 maybe after I've been there too long,

13:53 I start looking for a door nearby,

13:57 or a window,

13:59 or wondering if I can make a hole myself.

14:02 I want to jump out.

14:05 I don't want to stay in that cubicle.

14:08 I don't want to stay in that room.

14:12 But at the same time,

14:15 I really like stability.

14:18 Settling down gives me

14:22 a sense of relief.

14:28 That's the contradiction.

14:30 When I stay in one environment

14:35 or system for too long,

14:38 I feel that it's time to jump out.

14:46 Another "me" I want to choose is this:

14:52 with many so-called default rules,

14:57 I can't help asking, "Why?"

15:04 I can't simply accept that,

15:06 for example, some relationships must be maintained a certain way,

15:12 some work must be done a certain way,

15:18 or products must make decisions for users this way.

15:23 I don't think I'm

15:24 someone who likes to be contrary.

15:29 But I keep wondering,

15:31 or perhaps I keep

15:32 seeing other, better choices.

15:38 If there is a better choice,

15:42 why does it have to be this way?

15:46 I don't really know

15:47 whether these so-called better choices

15:51 are only my own ideas.

15:56 Sometimes, what you think

15:58 isn't what most people think.

16:00 If the better choice I see

16:04 is only my own point of view,

16:06 could I end up in a place where

16:11 I care only about my own ideas,

16:13 only about what I think?

16:17 I can't tell if that might be true.

16:22 But whenever

16:26 I start asking why about default rules,

16:32 I can seem a little too serious.

16:37 Sometimes I even feel

16:40 that when I get too serious,

16:42 I really seem like I'm picking faults.

16:47 Other people may look at me and think,

16:50 wow, this person is such a pain.

16:54 Although I don't mean to do it,

16:58 I still don't know

17:03 why I'm like this.

17:07 Another "me" I want to choose is this:

17:14 I am very independent,

17:19 and because of that, I'm not good at asking for help.

17:23 No matter what I try

17:25 or what I do,

17:26 my default is to explore it on my own,

17:31 and try it myself first.

17:33 If I hit a wall,

17:35 or something happens,

17:37 I still want to find a way out myself,

17:41 and find my own path.

17:46 By the time someone asks

17:48 if I need help,

17:50 I may already have spent

17:54 a very long time working away at it

17:59 in my solo mode.

18:03 I often feel that

18:07 if there are things you don't

18:09 figure out on your own,

18:11 and you always rely on the people

18:15 and environment around you,

18:17 doesn't that mean

18:18 they are always pushing you along?

18:24 This idea makes it seem as though

18:27 pushing myself forward

18:29 is a very safe choice,

18:32 while being pushed by other people, my environment, my network,

18:35 or my relationships

18:38 is less safe.

18:40 Isn't that a strange way to think?

18:45 How do I decide

18:46 what is "safe" or "unsafe"?

18:49 I really don't know.

18:54 I've forgotten how many versions of "me" I've chosen so far.

19:00 But

19:04 this recording is already almost 19 minutes long.

19:10 Oh, almost 20 minutes.

19:13 One last thing I want to say is that

19:16 I am someone who carries

19:18 so many contradictions within me.

19:23 Like some of the examples I just gave,

19:25 I'm a little like someone with both a front

19:31 and a back.

19:34 I think a person like that...

19:40 How do I put it?

19:44 All I can say is,

19:46 the version of me others see now

19:49 is probably the shape temporarily formed

19:53 by all these forces pulling against one another.

19:58 I used to really

20:00 want to live like water.

20:06 But now I realize that

20:09 although these opposing forces

20:14 have shaped me into

20:16 something with no fixed shape,

20:19 it doesn't resemble water at all.

20:24 Because water is gentle,

20:27 but I seem a little...

20:29 a little hard,

20:33 like someone who isn't that soft.

20:39 And

20:42 as I get older,

20:47 or as I go through more things,

20:52 I keep changing

20:55 and growing.

21:00 I've noticed that with many things,

21:03 after some time passes,

21:06 or after you go through something,

21:09 many of your thoughts,

21:13 or your attitudes toward certain things,

21:17 will change.

21:18 They aren't quite the same as before.

21:22 So I don't think my many "selves"

21:27 are fixed.

21:29 They change with time,

21:33 and update and evolve as I age.

21:36 They even keep growing with experience,

21:43 or keep coming into being.

21:45 So I'm also curious:

21:48 after I have made 100 voice notes,

21:54 or 200,

21:56 or 300,

21:58 or even 500,

22:01 what kind of state will I be in?

22:06 I can't imagine

22:08 recording 300 or even 500 audio notes.

22:15 But I think I can

22:18 hold on to this little dream for now.

22:21 If I really do it,

22:23 what kind of state will that be?

22:28 What kind of event would it be,

22:34 or perhaps a miracle?

22:36 Anyway, I don't know.

22:39 I'll wait for the future to reveal it.