I’m Good at Saying No, but Not So Good at Saying “I Want”

00:00 Some time ago,

00:02 I talked with AI about a few things.

00:04 They were about intimate relationships.

00:08 There's something most people who know me

00:13 probably don't know:

00:18 I've never been in a serious relationship.

00:22 And I wondered,

00:24 throughout all this,

00:26 was it that "I didn't want one,"

00:28 or was it really that

00:31 "I never met someone I wanted one with"?

00:35 While analyzing this,

00:37 I realized

00:39 there's something I've always done.

00:43 I don't know if it's a habit or what.

00:46 I don't know what word

00:48 describes this trait in me.

00:54 I once heard people discuss

00:56 why some women keep meeting terrible men,

01:00 and why some

01:01 keep getting hurt in relationships.

01:05 Some people's view is that

01:10 those who get hurt

01:13 need to reflect on

01:15 why they keep attracting those men,

01:17 and why they keep

01:19 getting hurt in relationships.

01:23 Their reasoning

01:25 is that

01:27 maybe these people never manage

01:30 to recognize

01:31 how they act in relationships,

01:34 or identify the kind of person

01:35 they tend to fall for.

01:37 Whenever someone gets hurt,

01:39 there are basically two

01:42 One is that the other person hurt them,

01:45 or their own issues

01:49 caused them pain in the relationship.

01:53 But whatever the reason,

01:55 if they didn't grow from

01:59 their previous relationship,

02:01 then in the next one,

02:02 they may repeat the same pattern.

02:06 That made me realize

02:08 that since childhood, the men

02:12 who became close to me

02:15 have all been very good people.

02:18 How good?

02:20 When they approached me

02:25 and I realized they liked me,

02:28 if I didn't feel the same,

02:30 I stated my feelings very directly.

02:33 Even if they asked again

02:37 whether feelings could grow,

02:38 or asked something similar,

02:40 once they heard my answer,

02:42 they would slowly

02:44 fade out of my life.

02:47 I'm the kind of person who,

02:50 if I know I definitely won't like someone,

02:54 will then

02:56 keep my distance from them.

02:58 Even if they still want

03:01 to remain friends,

03:04 I deliberately maintain some distance.

03:07 As that distance remains,

03:11 the relationship fades.

03:12 Their attention may

03:13 move on to someone else.

03:17 So with people

03:20 who are attracted to me

03:22 or have feelings for me,

03:23 I've always treated them

03:25 this way.

03:26 And I've found

03:29 that they truly, deeply

03:33 respect my feelings.

03:34 After hearing my response,

03:38 they slowly

03:42 let that part of the relationship fade.

03:44 They might have messaged me often before,

03:47 or often asked me out.

03:49 But after my clear response—

03:52 after I verbally showed

03:57 that I didn't share their feelings

03:59 or want the relationship to go further—

04:05 they stopped

04:07 disturbing me so often.

04:10 Some returned to being friends.

04:12 Others turned their attention elsewhere.

04:16 I feel

04:18 the qualities these people showed

04:19 are ones I deeply admire.

04:21 They have a strong sense of proportion

04:24 in the distance between people

04:26 and in their relationships.

04:28 Or rather, they understand boundaries.

04:31 So every person like that,

04:34 who respected my feelings

04:37 and my boundaries,

04:39 left me with a very good impression.

04:41 So good that

04:42 sometimes I think I'm

04:45 a heartless person.

04:47 They were clearly so good to you.

04:48 Why couldn't you feel anything for them?

04:54 I can't even

04:55 answer that part of myself.

05:00 But I know that when

05:02 I'm facing someone I like,

05:03 I feel at a loss

05:08 and can't express what I need.

05:11 Because of that,

05:16 I also lose connections with some people,

05:18 leaving us without

05:21 the possibility of becoming more.

05:25 So I find these two states

05:26 deeply contradictory.

05:28 With someone I don't like,

05:32 my boundaries are very clear.

05:35 I won't let myself remain

05:38 in an ambiguous relationship.

05:41 Of course,

05:42 that applies to someone I don't like

05:45 and never wanted

05:47 to develop a relationship with.

05:50 But if I really like someone

05:53 and want something more with them,

05:57 I'm willing to approach them first

06:00 and let things begin ambiguously.

06:05 The problem is,

06:06 during that process,

06:10 as I just said,

06:11 I may not seem very at ease

06:15 or very confident.

06:18 Something like that.

06:21 To the other person,

06:26 I may still seem somewhat distant.

06:28 Looking back, maybe

06:32 I'm simply slow to warm up.

06:34 Without

06:36 some degree of understanding,

06:38 I keep some boundaries

06:39 around physical closeness

06:41 and how we interact.

06:44 I keep fairly strong boundaries.

06:46 I may even seem distant.

06:49 I need

06:52 to start from a foundation of attraction,

06:54 then slowly adjust,

06:56 slowly learn who they are,

06:58 and let things unfold.

07:00 But I can't enter

07:02 an immediate so-called comfort zone.

07:07 I just can't do that.

07:09 Maybe our pace at the time

07:11 really didn't match.

07:13 So through that

07:15 misalignment, we slowly missed each other.

07:17 Although we both liked each other then,

07:21 I don't regret what happened.

07:25 Throughout the process,

07:27 he still treated me very well.

07:31 Some qualities he showed

07:35 were, in my eyes, what a so-called

07:39 "high-quality man" should have.

07:42 For example, he respected private talks,

07:46 other people's boundaries,

07:50 and other people's feelings.

07:54 And he also...

07:56 he treated the other person

07:58 as an independent individual.

08:01 He didn't think that because he was a man,

08:04 he had to overprotect a woman.

08:07 Nor, because she was a woman,

08:09 he had to take extra care of her.

08:11 To me, that was a major plus.

08:13 I don't want it to be that

08:15 because I'm a woman,

08:16 you have to

08:17 carry my bag,

08:18 walk me back to school,

08:19 or things like that.

08:21 To me, none of that is necessary.

08:24 Because I don't...

08:28 I mean...

08:29 Nor is it about being

08:30 "not so weak that I need him to walk me to school,"

08:32 or need him to carry my bag.

08:34 I just feel

08:37 that the men around me

08:39 have no obligation to do those things.

08:41 I'm also fine splitting the bill

08:43 when we go out.

08:47 But I've heard some people say

08:50 that if you're dating someone

08:54 and still split the cost

08:56 of meals

08:56 and activities,

08:59 many people will think

09:02 in that kind of opposite-sex interaction,

09:06 one person

09:08 isn't that drawn to the other.

09:09 They think,

09:11 if you take someone you like to dinner

09:13 or going out with them,

09:16 why make them pay?

09:18 But to me,

09:21 why shouldn't they pay?

09:24 You haven't even

09:26 officially entered a relationship.

09:28 You're still before it becomes official.

09:32 Why must

09:34 the other person

09:36 pay extra

09:39 to cover both people's expenses?

09:43 Logically,

09:49 I can't accept that idea.

09:54 Maybe... I don't know.

09:58 I do have

10:01 very strong boundaries between genders.

10:05 Oh, this brings me back

10:08 to what I said at the start.

10:09 When I talked with AI about these things,

10:13 one trait it identified in me was this:

10:16 I'm very good at stating boundaries.

10:22 But when it comes to what I need—

10:26 when I need to express what I need

10:28 or what my needs are—

10:31 I start to retreat.

10:35 I thought,

10:38 yes, that does seem true.

10:41 When I'm rejecting a relationship,

10:46 I'm very composed,

10:48 very calm,

10:49 very proactive,

10:50 and have a strong sense of agency.

10:55 But when a relationship moves me,

10:59 I become nervous,

11:04 feel insecure,

11:07 and overthink.

11:12 I become...

11:15 I don't know.

11:16 I'm just less composed,

11:19 less proactive,

11:21 and less confident.

11:22 And I wonder,

11:25 why am I like that?

11:29 I think of things I've experienced before.

11:32 For example, the first time I clearly

11:35 told someone I liked him,

11:39 the response I got

11:40 wasn't, "I'm happy you like me,"

11:43 or the like.

11:44 Instead, he directly asked me,

11:48 "Why do you like me?"

11:53 I felt so upset.

11:57 Does liking someone need a reason?

12:02 At the time, I had

12:07 no idea how to answer that question.

12:10 I don't know whether that experience

12:14 shaped my later relationships

12:15 in any way.

12:18 But it also made me think

12:20 of things from childhood,

12:22 about expressing my needs

12:24 and what I wanted.

12:27 When I was young,

12:29 my family cared a lot about my grades.

12:32 So when I asked for something,

12:34 they might say,

12:35 "If you do well on your finals,

12:38 I'll buy you something,"

12:39 or "I'll give you a reward."

12:43 At the time, I felt

12:46 that if my grades were good enough,

12:48 if I ranked first in my class

12:51 or first in my grade,

12:52 I would qualify

12:54 to tell them what I wanted,

12:55 and they would buy it for me.

12:58 In elementary school,

13:04 this happened several times.

13:06 When I really ranked first in my class

13:10 or earned very good grades,

13:12 they met the needs I expressed.

13:14 They even volunteered promises:

13:17 if I reached a certain rank,

13:19 they would buy me something.

13:20 And they did.

13:22 But later, I found that some promises

13:27 were not kept.

13:30 And at the time,

13:31 I didn't dare tell them,

13:34 "I'm first in my class now.

13:36 My grades are very good now.

13:39 Could you buy me this?"

13:40 Or, "You told me before

13:43 that if my grades

13:45 reached that level,

13:46 you would buy me something.

13:48 But you haven't done it.

13:49 Could you do it now?"

13:51 I wouldn't...

13:53 or didn't dare say things like that

13:56 and ask them to follow through.

13:58 I had done my part,

13:59 but they hadn't kept theirs.

14:05 I don't know if disappointments like these

14:09 built up until I felt

14:11 that expressing needs was bad for me,

14:17 or something else.

14:20 But I don't know.

14:22 I truly don't know

14:24 how my fear of voicing needs,

14:26 or my habit of rarely expressing them,

14:28 developed.

14:31 I can remember experiences

14:34 that may relate to it,

14:36 but I can't say those experiences

14:39 are the reason

14:44 I am the way I am now,

14:45 or the source found by tracing it back.

14:50 Because many explanations

14:53 may look reasonable

14:57 and justified,

14:59 yet may also come from overexplaining

15:03 or overinterpreting things.

15:05 I can't convince myself

15:07 that who I've become

15:11 definitely depends on

15:13 certain experiences from my past.

15:16 Although

15:18 people are the sum of their experiences,

15:23 I can't say for certain

15:27 that my specific traits

15:29 exist because of

15:31 particular past experiences,

15:34 or that those experiences

15:35 are the ones I just described.

15:37 I can't guarantee that.

15:39 It could be other experiences,

15:42 ones I haven't mentioned.

15:44 As for what they were,

15:45 I truly can't be sure.

15:48 I can only say I remember

15:52 some experiences related to this.

15:55 I can't guarantee that they

15:58 caused this trait in who I am now.

16:07 So overall,

16:10 I'm still a very rational person.

16:14 So rational that almost anything

16:20 can be forgiven.

16:22 I can always find a reason and say,

16:25 "Oh,

16:26 that also seems reasonable."

16:28 So I choose to forgive.